It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
