i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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