the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
