yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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