I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
i think my cat just said my name.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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