dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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