I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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