Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
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