I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
