Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
