come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
