your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize