I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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