I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
