Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
