Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Sober January is a disaster.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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