There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
