Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
