Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I am available for nakedness
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
