he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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