I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
