So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
