I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Success! We fucked roommates!
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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