Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
