Well apparently he's into motor boating.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Are my feet made of real feet?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
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