Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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