3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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