FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
