he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize