That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize