are you still at the devil's house?
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
