Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
