I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
