I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
