I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
