dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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