It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
