I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
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