i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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