I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Randomize