I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
