I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
