I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I wish there were birth control emojis
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
