grandma shit on top of the toilet
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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