She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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