my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
