I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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