my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize