theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I don't want my vagina anymore.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
