If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
