Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
