fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
