he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize