who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
