I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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