Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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