normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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