OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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