Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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