i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
