Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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