I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
