I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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