she was so not down for the gang bang
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
