so that wasnt chicken after all
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Randomize
