My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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