i may or may not be watching the land before time
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Randomize
